🌀 My therapist tells me I deflect. And yeah… I do. I know I do.

But it’s not because I don’t care. It’s not avoidance. It’s not laziness. I deflect because I feel it all — sometimes too much. I feel the frustration, the pressure, the unmet needs you aim at me like darts… and instead of catching them, I redirect them. I shift. I dodge. I say something light or vaguely wise. I change the topic. Not because I’m not listening — but because I am.

“Do I hear you? Yes. I do. But sometimes I don’t answer because I’m the only one listening — and no one’s listening to me.”

🙍‍♂️ I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're not saying. The disappointment. The passive-aggression. The silent expectation that I should’ve done more, sooner, better. I feel all of it. But I also feel something you might not have considered:

🔍 The blame you’re placing on me? It might not belong here.

💔 “Why Didn’t You...?”

That’s the question I get. And it hurts. Not because I don’t have an answer — but because I do. It just won’t make you feel better.

I didn’t do it because I was exhausted.
Because I was alone. Because I was being failed by the people who were supposed to help me — while still being expected to support everyone else.

People say, “It’s your responsibility now.” And maybe they’re right — to a point. But I can’t be the answer to everyone’s problems when no one is showing up for mine. I can’t keep pouring from a dry well and act like it’s rain.

⚖️ The Blame I Deflect

I’ve been told I deflect blame because I can’t face hard truths. But no — I deflect because I already know where the truth lives. It lives in the silence of people who promised to be there and vanished. It lives in the sloppiness of those who half-listened, half-helped, and walked away.

So when you’re upset with me for not being enough?

I want to scream, “Where were they when I needed help to become what you need now?”

But I don’t scream. I go quiet. I deflect. And somehow that becomes the problem.

🛑 The Weight I Won’t Carry

So here it is, finally, plainly:

Yes, I hear you. I hear the pain, the urgency, the unmet expectations. But if you’re angry that I haven’t accomplished something you expected from me — ask who was supposed to be supporting me while I was trying to build that thing.

I deflect, yes. But not because I’m dodging guilt. I’m dodging misplaced blame. I’m dodging the weight of people’s disappointment when they forget I’m not superhuman. I’m just a person. A tired, caring, boundary-drawing person doing the best I can with the resources I was left with.

🌱 Final Words

Do I hear you? Yes. I do. I always have. But I’m done pretending the fault always lives in me.

Sometimes I deflect because I’m protecting the last pieces of myself. Because when the helpers fail to help, and the strong are expected to stay strong forever, someone has to say:

“This isn’t just on me.”

And today — I’m saying it.