Today, my wife and I met with our therapist for what felt like a routine check‑in - but turned into a profound exploration of cognitive dissonance. At 63, I’ve lived long enough to rack up an array of beliefs, habits, and stories about myself. Yet learning that so many of them can clash has been both unsettling and liberating. Below, I’ll explore what cognitive dissonance is, how it shows up in life, and why - and how - I’m using this awareness to become a better person.

What Is Cognitive Dissonance?

Coined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957, cognitive dissonance describes the psychological discomfort we experience when holding two or more conflicting ideas, beliefs, values, or attitudes simultaneously - or when our actions contradict our beliefs. It’s like standing on a bridge between two opposing banks: to move forward, something has to give.

Belief vs. Belief: Wanting to forgive but still harboring resentment.

Belief vs. Action: Valuing patience but snapping at loved ones.

Self‑Image vs. Behavior: Seeing yourself as “calm and collected” while feeling inner turmoil.

That tension motivates us - often subconsciously - to reduce the dissonance, either by changing beliefs, justifying actions, or altering behaviors.

Why It Matters at 63

At this stage of life, patterns feel deeply ingrained. I’ve spent decades raising children, building and selling a business, rescuing horses, and nurturing relationships.

But years of habitual responses - some healthy, some not - can become blind spots.

Legacy of Past Lives: My reactions are colored by the pain of previous marriages and the guilt I still carry about how I treated my children.

Desire for Growth: Retirement and grandchildren bring perspective. I don’t want to repeat old mistakes; I want to model authenticity and emotional resilience.

Self‑Exploration: As someone who analyzes emotions scientifically, I see cognitive dissonance as data points - signals guiding me toward personal evolution.

How Cognitive Dissonance Shows Up

During today’s session, in my mind, I identified three core arenas where dissonance has been at play:

Parenting vs. Patterns

Belief: I’m a patient, loving father.

Action: I still snap at my kids when life’s stressors pile up.

Physical Signal: Tight shoulders and a racing heart.

Forgiveness vs. Grudges

Belief: I believe in letting go as a path to freedom.

Action: I replay past hurts in my mind, holding grudges.

Emotional Toll: Lingering bitterness that clouds present joy.

Self‑Image vs. Inner Critic

Belief: I’m resilient and adaptable.

Action: Deep down, I tell myself, “You’ll never really change.”

Mental Loop: A cycle of hope clashing with self-doubt.

Strategies to Bridge the Gap

Our therapist shared concrete tools to harness cognitive dissonance for growth and I am reading more and more about it:

Awareness through Bodily Cues

Pay attention to physical signs - tension in my jaw, clenched fists - to catch dissonance early.

Label & Reflect

Name the conflicting beliefs aloud (“I value patience, yet I snapped at my son”). Writing it down turns vague tension into a clear observation.

Reframe with Compassion

Replace harsh self‑judgment (“I’m a failure”) with kinder reframes (“I’m learning, and each choice is a chance to improve”).

Micro‑Experiments

Design tiny behavioral tests, like pausing and breathing deeply before responding. Celebrate each success, however small.

Consistent Check‑Ins

Keep a simple daily journal: note one moment of dissonance and one moment of alignment.

Embracing the Journey

Understanding cognitive dissonance isn’t about labeling myself “flawed.” It’s about recognizing the push and pull inside us all, especially at 63, when change feels both possible and daunting. Each pang of discomfort is a guidepost, pointing to where I can grow.

My therapist reminded me that this work isn’t solitary. My wife and I agreed to gently call out dissonance in each other - always with empathy, never blame. Together, we’re learning to transform tension into clarity.

Tonight, I’ll close my day by jotting down three things:

A moment when beliefs and actions lined up (no tension).

A moment of dissonance and what it revealed.

A tiny step I’ll take tomorrow toward alignment.

At 63, I’m still exploring who I can become. Cognitive dissonance is not a flaw to erase but a tool to guide me toward being more authentic, compassionate, and at peace.

Here’s to the work ahead - ever challenging, ever rewarding.